


And I Understand Now

by Kylo Hux (Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson)



Series: You Touched Me, and Suddenly, I was a Lilac Sky [29]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Letters, M/M, Monologue, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 17:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6088624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson/pseuds/Kylo%20Hux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's taken him months, but Ben finally understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I Understand Now

Ben stared around the Resistance Base’s mess hall, feeling lonelier and lonelier with each passing second. He watched Finn and Poe walking around, hand in hand; he watched the muscles in their wrists tensing here and there, squeezing each other’s hands, clinging to one another as though their lives depended on holding onto each other.  
  
It had taken him until now to realise, until now to understand what was going through Hux’s mind. It had taken him until now, four months after The First Order had fallen and the great General Hux had been ripped from his post, put in shackles and chains, and lead to a small, dingy cell that really wasn’t hygienic or sanitary  
  
Ben wasn’t sure how he had gotten out of the jails, how he had been spared.  
  
The Judge said he wasn’t in his right mind and that, as long as he trained with his Uncle, she saw no reason he shouldn’t be allowed to rehabilitate. _Of course, if **Kylo Ren’s** behaviour continues, then you shall be held accountable by the future Jedi council for your actions. Your life was snatched away from you, Ben Solo; this is your chance to snatch it back_.  
  
But Ben didn’t think that was fair.  
  
Hux’s life was snatched from him, just like Ben’s had been. Well, not exactly like Ben, but Hux had been trained into the man he was from such a young age... it was practically the same thing, just less mind control and more abuse.  
  
It wasn’t right that he was here, pushing meat around his plate whilst his stomach gurgled at him, telling him it was full even when he hadn’t eaten anything. He should be in a cell, like Hux, caged like an animal, treated even worse than a bantha. Tears welled in his eyes as he watched Finn pull Poe in for a kiss.  
  
His heart _broke_ and Leia started when he stood up, knocking his chair backwards to the ground. Rey looked over from where she sat, an eyebrow quirked, and his Uncle reached out to tug him to sit down, but Ben was already rushing from the room, Force holding his hair in place so no one would see his tears.

-xox-

_~~My darling Hux~~ _

_~~My dearest General~~ _

_~~My dear General~~ _

_~~My dearest Hux~~ _

_~~My darling General~~ _

Ben yelled out in frustration as he ripped yet another page from the pad, crumbling it up, throwing it against the wall in anger. His Force curled around him, buzzing under his fingertips, and he had to take a moment to calm himself, to breathe, and relax.  
  
He couldn’t have any terms of endearment in his letter, the prison guards would read this before it was passed onto Hux – if they decided it was alright to pass onto the man.  
  
Sighing, Ben lifted his pen once more.  
  
_Hux,_  
  
_It pains me to write this, knowing that you are caged, and I am... well, being treated like a prisoner, almost._  
  
_I don’t think I ever told you, although you probably know of my true heritage now. Son of the great General Leia Organa – daughter of Padmé Amidala; Queen of Naboo. It seems ironic that I was treated like a Prince by ~~Leader~~ Snoke and like a convict by everyone here but my Mother and my uncle._  
  
_I wish you could be here; I truly do. There are a great many people you would get on with, and you and my Mother would more than likely spend hours discussing ~~attack plans~~ tactics for the Resistance’s army._  
 _Since The First Order fell, they seem to still be wary, just in case ~~Lea~~ Snoke pops up again. (I accidentally heard my Mother’s mind. They never found his body or a body that might have been him)._  
  
_Being here, surrounded by people who love each other... I understand now._  
  
_I understand why you always wanted to be so close to me, to the man that you loved. I understand why you wanted to spend so much time with me, why you wanted to wake up by my side and hold me tight in the mornings, no matter how much I grumbled._  
  
_I understand why you would join me in my morning showers, wrapping your arms around me and nuzzling my neck, no matter how many times I called you a bantha-dick and told you to get into your own shower._  
  
_And I understand. I understand why people hold hands: I’d always thought it was about possessiveness, saying ‘ **This is mine’**. But it’s about maintaining constant. It is about speaking without words. It is about “ **I want you with me** ” and “ **don’t go** ”._  
  
_I wish you were here, right now. I want to hold your hand so tight, I break my wrist – but I wouldn’t have to worry about that, because you’d hug me so tightly that all my broken bits would be squeezed back into place._  
  
_I wish you were here because, I miss you, and it’s taken me from the first few moments of our relationship until now to realise._  
  
_I love you._  
  
_And I should have realised it before and I am so sorry._  
  
_I’m sorry the Resistance is treating you like it is._  
  
_Truly Sorry,_  
  
_Ben Solo_

-

As Hux read the letter, so carefully detailed and written in Kylo Ren’s own script, tears leaked down his face. His wrist ached, his fingers longed to interlock with the Knight’s, or rather, the Resistance Member’s, and he wanted nothing more than to tug Kylo – no, Ben – to his chest with a soft tug on his hand.  
  
As Hux settled down, slipping the letter safely underneath his mattress; as he lay there half asleep, waiting for weariness to take him, he could have sworn he felt a soft squeeze on his hand, as though long fingers interlaced with his own.  
  
But then the feeling was gone and Hux was all too aware that he was alone.


End file.
